Poor Bailey

I've been up since 4 a.m. It's Thanksgiving and I've been up since 4 a.m. This really sucks. I usually sleep in as long as I can and catch some of the parade before we go to Little America at 11 a.m. with my family.

I know cynics bag on us bloggers that all we do is rave about our married/mom lives and how we're "seriously so blessed." I'm sure some people use their blogs for bragging rights, but most blogs I follow seem to be just about sharing the ups and downs of their lives. That being said, I understand that my problems are minute compared to terrorist attacks, starvation, war and all the other issues in our world. But in my universe, my problems are a VERY big deal to ME, so I'll blog about it if I want to. Okay, cynics?

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. And that's saying a lot, because I've had some BAAAAD days. It was definitely the most traumatic, so maybe that does make it the worst? Anyway, here's the story. Katie had the day off and after running a few morning errands, she was going to go to the dog park with her friend, Maddie. I let her go out on the porch and wait for Maddy's mom to pick her up. I let Bailey come out with me. We don't let Bailey off his leash very often and when we do, he knows his boundaries and stays by me. But it only took a minute for him to run into my east neighbor's yard. I started yelling at him to come back when he turned around and BOLTED. He's never done this before. He took off like a bat out of hell down the sidewalk towards Richmond. I started swearing and screaming at him. Katie started to bawl and ran in the house. It only took a second, but it was more than obvious what was going to happen. He never stopped. He just ran into that busy road. Fortunately, there were no cars going north bound. One car going south just missed him and he almost made it to the sidewalk when a second car just smacked him from behind. By this time, I was at the corner watching the whole thing happened. I heard screaming and I thought it was Katie, but poor Bailey was just writhing on the road yelping in pain. I lunged into the traffic, because he was still alive and more cars were coming. The traffic had picked up and cars were coming north bound, but I got to the median before any of them approached. But on the other side, a lady didn't see me which I have no idea how that was possible -- here I am, this big girl in the middle of the street, she was probably on her damn cell phone. She finally slammed on her breaks just out of my arms reach. Fortunately, the other lane -- the one that Bailey was in -- had seen me and/or him and had stopped. I swooped down to pick him up. He stopped yelping immediately, so it made me think he was more scared then hurt. I started back to my street when the driver of this car -- the first one that didn't hit Bailey (the B who hit my dog just drove off) -- hollered at me that he was an EMT and to take the dog to the Animal E/R on 6200 South and Highland Drive. I felt like Frogger trying to get back to my street, because the traffic was significant now. That street will be the death of me (us), but that's an issue for another day.

Katie was back out of the house by the time I reached our yard. I was so grateful she didn't see the accident. She told me she was in the house crying and screaming, "I hate the world!" Oh, that breaks my heart! Anyway, we were both bawling and screaming. Bailey was very limp and I was sure he had broken bones, if not more. The EMT had turned his car around and followed me to our house. He ran up to the porch and offered to drive me to the Animal E/R. How sweet was that? I told him I'd be okay, but he said to drive carefully and not get into a wreck. Then, he gave me directions to the Animal E/R. I grabbed the keys and we left within seconds.

Normally, I would've either taken I-80 to Highland Drive & 6200 South, or I would've just turned right and gone down Highland. Instead, I crossed that damn street to the other side of Crandall to tell Linda, Maddie's mom, that Katie couldn't go with them to the dog park. Linda was just pulling out of her driveway to get Katie, so I rolled down my window, gave her a brief explanation and took off. This direction ended up being a real blessing. I started heading down Crandall in our ward boundaries, turned left on 11th, then went down Elgin, take 10th out to the 33rd South, then turn left to head back in the direction I was going. By the time I hit 10th and 33rd, I was waiting to turn left at England Plumbing when I saw a big sign just east of the store saying "Animal Emergency." I hurried and turned into the parking lot and sure enough, there was a new Animal E/R there! I found out later that they've only been opened for 3 weeks. I was so relieved. I was completely hysterical by the time I got there that I'm not sure if I would've made that drive to 6200 South. And since it was so close, I was able to get Bailey seen within 5 minutes of his accident. I really believe that was God's tender mercy.

They rushed Bailey back to be seen while I had to sign all these papers. Since both Katie and I were in hysterics, they ushered us into our own private waiting room. That was the hardest time. I should've kept it together for Katie, but I just couldn't. We alternated comforting each other and talking each other off the ledge. Katie was a mess, but I think it's been even worse on me. It all just felt very related to my pregnancy losses and for some reason, Bailey's accident brought up a lot of old pain. The hard part, which is difficult to explain, is that our little family has just been faced with so much loss. Yes, he is a dog, but to us, he is so much more. The idea of losing something else we love is unbearable. Bailey came into our life when we all needed something desperately. John and I were so discouraged about becoming parents again. Katie was aching for a sibling. We adopted Bailey and in many ways, he filled some of that pain. And it's not just all about Katie. John adores him. And Bailey really has filled a hole for me and it's hard to feel empty when you're mothering a puppy. In so many ways, having Katie and Bailey (not to mention all the parenting I do with my own parents and siblings) completely satisifies my family needs.

The doctor came in and said that his vitals were getting better, he was getting fluids and he was in an oxygen tank. The X-rays didn't show any broken bones which I couldn't believe. Everything seemed alright, except for one major life threatening problem. His little diaphragm tore open and his intestines were pushed up into it. His lungs were bruised, so between that and the tear, he was having a hard time breathing. The doctor said in order for him to survive he'd have to have surgery on it. They have a Board Certified Surgeon on staff that's sole responsibility is to do surgeries. This is a common surgery they have to do on dogs that have been hit. I asked him a bunch of questions, because I didn't want to okay something that would prolong the inevitable. If he was going to suffer and/or die due to this or other complications, I wanted to let him go. And I didn't want to make him have a surgery if there were going to be a ton of other problems for him.

John showed up just after and we started talking about the pros and cons. Of course, Katie was with us, so once again, my little one is forced to grow up sooner than I'd like and having to face tough decisions. Of course, cost was the biggest factor. The surgery is expensive. Before Bailey, as some of you know, I was NOT a dog person at all. I used to make fun of people who would spend a lot of money to save their pets. But, it's totally different for me now. You may or may not "get" this, but if you do, you'll understand. We decided to do the surgery.

They were going to keep him and monitor him to make sure his health is optimal before they operate. Since his lungs were bruised, they need the swelling to go down. We got to see him and he looked fine on the outside, just exhausted. On our way home, I made Katie ride with John, because I just lost it in the car. I thought I'd get it all out, but once I was home, I found myself in the basement bawling even more. John had to come down and tell me to snap out of it, because I was upsetting Katie. Our great neighbor, Linda, let Katie come over to play with Maddie, so that gave me plenty of time to get my hysterics out. I seriously have NEVER cried so much in my life. I cried so much that I wrenched my shoulder out -- the reason I couldn't keep sleeping this morning because it hurt so bad. Like I said, it was several things: the complex emotions and my issues with loss, my guilt for letting Bailey off leash, the pain it was causing Katie and worse, the replay of the accident and the trauma of the actual hit and run replaying on a loop in my head.

I took a 1/2 a Unisom and finally fell asleep. John picked up Katie who he said after a nice distraction at Maddie's, came home and realized what happened. She cried herself to sleep too. John woke both of us at 7 p.m. because Jimmy & Libby and Jennie & Steve brought us pizza. It was nice to have a diversion and then all of us drove down to the Animal E/R. The receptionist thought we were odd bringing an entourage to see a dog. But, my sibling/in-laws are really supportive and since they're dog owners, they totally understand and wanted to see Bailey too. Each family took a turn to go and see Bailey, who seemed more responsive to us. He even tried to move a little closer and seemed happy to be pet. The doctor said he was doing well. They are going to operate on Friday and if the surgery goes well, he should make a full recovery. When we got home, it was the first time that day that I felt we'd be okay.

Personally, I think John and I are being put through the ringer. We've had a rough month personally and then this. He is being ordained a High Priest this Sunday for his new calling as High Priest Group 1st Assistant. I know whenever I've had a spiritual life change, I've been bombarded with adversity. So maybe this is just the Refiner's Fire? Or maybe I'm just reading WAY too much into it and trying to find a deeper meaning when there's not one.

So, I am so glad yesterday is over. Today, I can't sleep obviously. My shoulder is feeling better thanks to 2 Motrin. My eyes are so swollen I can barely see out of them. But, it's Thanksgiving. And it's a new day. I have much to be grateful for. And I'm definitely feeling hopeful.