For Anna

I realized tonight when I was having dinner with friends that today was the 4th anniversary of delivering my daughter, Anna, stillborn. Like what happened with Jack, I went almost a whole day without remembering. I think it's two things. First, it's been several years and the pain is lessening, thank heaven. And second, losing Anna took a lot longer than a day, so I can't really pinpoint the loss to October 22nd.

I was working with a new OBGYN and had an early ultrasound at about 17 weeks. Initially, the tech thought everything looked okay. The plan was that I'd be just fine to go on a weeklong trip with John to London and Scotland. When I got home, the OBGYN called me and said he'd been trying to reach me all week. He said my cervix was effacing and I needed to go see a high risk doctor right away. He was especially concerned I had been walking like crazy in Europe. It was a Thursday and Friday was my sister's wedding. The high risk doc couldn't see me until Monday, so they recommended I take it easy for the weekend.

At Jennie's reception, I got really sick. I wasn't sure if it was some food I ate or something else. I started throwing up really bad and we went to the hospital. Unfortunately, I was only 23 weeks pregnant, so they wouldn't let me be seen at the Women's Center and I had to go to the E/R. I remember being there in our fancy wedding duds and later, Jimmy and Libby showing up to see us in the same. It was kind of comical. The E/R called my doctor and he didn't want them checking me, so they gave me some medicine and I was sent home for a weekend of bed rest.

On Monday, all hell broke loose. I went to MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) and had a follow-up ultrasound. I was even more effaced and they promptly hospitalized me. I had an emergency cerclage, which I remember that epidural was really painful. Then, I had to stay laying down head down, feet up. It was so uncomfortable. This went on and the plan was I would probably stay hospitalized for 2 more months, then I could go home and if I delivered prematurely, it would be alright since the baby had more chance of survival.

Unfortunately, only after 4 days of bedrest, my water broke. This is when we were faced with a terrible decision. Dr. Esplin said we could try and keep me pregnant, but since I was already dealing with an infection, I would be at more risk for my own health. And since I was only 3 days shy of 24 weeks, they would not doing any life saving treatments for the baby. Esplin told me that the baby probably wouldn't survive anyway, and if she did, she would go through life with terrible complications. We were really torn. I talked to my Uncle Gerry who's an OBGYN and he really helped me. He said something I'll never forget, "No miracle is to be had here." It helped me realize that this was meant to be, and we gave the doctor the go ahead to induce me.

Anna was alive and well, but she didn't survive the birth. I'm actually so grateful, because I don't think I could've sat by and watch her die, knowing I could've made the decision to stay pregnant and try to save her. For a long time, I was tortured by things I could've done differently, like not going on the trip or starting bedrest earlier. It took a long time to accept, but I am now completely confident it was God's will and it was out of my hands.

Sorry for the trip down memory lane. I actually rarely think about Anna. I still haven't developed the photos we took. Perhaps I've never fully grieved her, but it was such an awful experience, I keep a lot of those memories buried. Overall, I'm doing so much better and have really turned a corner. It's just when I analyze the situation, the pain really comes back. This is actually therapy of sorts since I haven't "talked" about this in years. Thanks for listening.

I love you, Anna. We all do. I know we'll be together again someday.